Most of it is filled by the awkward silence of playing this game alone in your underwear with nothing but the derp-voiced contestants to keep you company. That Red Mage told me music clips go here but there’s barely more than 6 seconds of the stuff in Wheel of Fortune 64. “LOSE A TURN, you big, friggin’ idiot.” – Vanna White And Vanna White has had already had enough facelifts to put her upper lip in the stratosphere. Like a crime scene, complete with the stiffs. The stage is about as dimly lit as it is in real life. Good news is the less you see the better. I know that 3D was still in its infancy, but with Wheel of Fortune, 3D was more just a twinkle in your mother’s eye than infancy. It’s a blurry, low-res experience, like having cataracts on your cataracts. All of these words do not describe this game. It’s got less information in it than Pat Fatback’s resume.

The game is serious stripped down to almost nothing. The game can be completed in 3, 4 or 5 puzzles so it’s thankfully shorter than a vasectomy but still just as damaging to one’s masculinity. Wheel of Fortune features dozens of puzzles, vid-capture of Vanna White, a 3D wheel to spin… and that’s about it. Though you can select a characters for any of the three players, you’re choices are between “white snob in white dress”, “white snob in blue shirt and blazer”, and “white snob who can’t pronounce letters in the alphabet properly”. The same goes for the potato-faced contestants. You won’t be able to see them with this resolution. White’s 90’s grin, butch haircut and makeup offend, don’t worry. Someone should’ve told her that baring your teeth is not the same thing as smiling. I can see right through that insincere, peanut-butter and jelly smile! Vanna White seems less interested to appear in this game and than you are to play it. He doesn’t appear in the game, but his ravishing concubine does! Ms. Not even host Pat Sajak, who admitted to being drunk while taping his show. Wheel 64 manages to capture everything fun about the tv show. If the PS3 version is lifeless, what does that make this? This was the straw that choked the CEO and made GameTek go belly up.

What can you do? Play Wheel of Fortune! Take your pick from a selection of some of the finest video games Wheel’s ever made: the canceled Atari 2600 version, the “lifeless” PS3 version, or my favorite, this N64 title sold by a company on the verge of going bankrupt. Dad’s broke and there’s nothing left to pay the rent. Wheel of Fortune on the Nintendo 64 is a horrific video game based on a tv game show based on a mid-life crisis. William Faulkner, The Sound and the Fury One day you’d think misfortune would get tired but then time is your misfortune”

Wheel of fortune game for the elders